Happy November! Which is sad because that means October and Halloween are over! And I hate that! I feel like this year was fun but I didn’t commit as hard to the Halloween bit which I am disappointed about. I love going SO hard and really get into the holiday spirit, but I just couldn’t this year. My heart was definitely in it, but my body was not. I have mentioned some health stuff before. It’s not that serious, I just don’t like to talk about it because I am not diagnosed with anything so it’s hard to explain or talk about, but I just have some hormonal issues that cause extreme fatigue, and not the kind a nap or coffee can fix. So because of this exhaustion I feel so deeply in my soul and in my bones, I had such a hard time rallying this year. Also, with some of the recent social shifts in my life, I felt a little sad. It just made me miss people I once bonded with over this season.

Anyways, my brain has been all over the place. I feel like mentally I have decided it’s game time…. with my life, and work, and living situation, and art, and dating, and everything. But i have been experiencing so many shut doors recently and I feel crazy and I am so lost. An example is, I have been pretty stubborn about living alone, but I recently decided I would be willing to live with people again for the purpose of cheaper rent, so I could afford going back to school. I even got really excited about the idea of living with someone today. I was spending like an hour on FB marketplace everyday looking for stuff, posting on my story that I am looking for a roommate, responding to other people’s stories, responding to stranger’s posts online. And about after 2 months of chasing down like 10-15 leads, they all fell apart. And I am so tired of things not working out. And I feel like I should take that as a sign that I am not supposed to start school in the spring. But now I feel like I am at such a loss of what I should be working on. And I feel like this in so many areas of my life. I feel so crazy and confused. I even had a friend basically promise me a job on their team, and I applied and I got rejected. The job market is terrible, but they told me they would talk with the hiring manager directly since I would be working under them. This happened 3 times where I was referred to a job that I was qualified for, recommended for, and was a “shoo in” but it didn’t materialize.

I said it before and I’ll say it again, but what should i be doing?? I feel so confused when all these opportunities fall in my life and I work hard to make it come together and they just fall apart last minute. So I decided the apartment hunt is going to be put on hold for now. I need to focus on my health for the next month or so. I also am trying to create routine, control the controllables and try to live a life that is more aligned with where I want to be. So right now, that means a glute challenges and a daily art challenge. Both of which I feel good about. I like feeling in charge of some things and trying to focus on the fact that what is meant for me will be. And I just guess I haven’t run across it yet.

Do I come across as insane or do I just feel it in my brain?

On October 3rd, he asked me what day it was…