Good Luck, Charlie
Hello again! Today my stream of consciousness and nonsensical blog post is broadcasting live from my couch where I feel like I am about to have a heart attack.
Technically I am fine but I am actively screwing myself over and stuck in a cycle that is ruining my life and causing me a good amount of anxious all the time. And this anxiety is the cause of my impending heart attack. (Again, totally fine.)
I don’t think I am special because I am sure most other young people can relate. Especially other young creatives and especially-especially other young creatives living in an overpriced city. But basically I don’t know what I am doing and I don’t know how to get out of my anxiety-inducing cycle. I feel paralyzed. I feel like I am always thinking about what my next move will be or what I need to do better and it is so hard to feel settled or enjoy what I do have. But maybe that is what your 20s are. Either way I hate it and I feel self-indulgent and I hate that too.
Right now I am working as a barista and manager of a coffee shop. How that happened, I have no clue. And while it is one of the better shops I have worked in. I hate the coffee industry. I have for a long time but whatever, here I still am. It is super hard working any minimum wage customer service job. It means you are working 9 days a week and about 10 billion hours. Which by my math, leaves you with no time or energy to work on developing other things to get you out of the predicament where you work so much and get paid so little. I feel so burnt out.
So here I am, stuck in this cycle of working all the time, not sleeping enough and not exercising, and being anxious all the time because I am not sleeping and exercising. Or eating healthy because I am constantly on the move and then I also have stomach aches all the time because I am eating like shit. And then I am gaining weight which is not helping the anxiety because I feel like I am not doing enough. And I know I am not taking care of myself and I am undoing all the effort I am TRYING to put in by going to the gym in the first place. THEN I am scared I will never make it out of coffee because I can’t even feed myself properly and I still have an unfinished zine I promised myself I would finish months ago that is close but I just need to do but never have the time. So again, I kinda hate my 20s.
Today is mostly just a little exhausted rant, but as much as I love to be pessimistic, not everything is terrible and it is important to remember that. I went to coffee with an old family friend a few weeks ago and I am considering what it would be like to be a librarian. I would still do art the way that I am, but it would give me the financial stability I really want. I also got coffee with someone my mom works out with who is really inspiring me to look closely at my art and think critically about what I want. Separately, I am dating someone that I really like for the first time in a long time and it is a wild experience and a big adjustment ( but a really good one).
Also I think the hell that has been my calendar the last few weeks is really showing me that I need to really make some big money moves and fast. So this week, I am scheduling a lot of down time and a lot of gym/ eating healthy time. But Good luck Charlie because I suck at sticking to that. So for now that is my focus, and hopefully some good can come from it so I am less agro next time… but until next time (which hopefully will be like in a week), peace and love.
The boy I have been dating, and affectionally refer to as Mr. Mans, has started teaching me to play chess. I am planning on not mention his much here because this blog is about me and I don’t him stealing any attention from me. So enjoy this vague photo of us playing chess at the beach.
(only one pictures this time around because most all I do is work and sleep. And at work I don’t even like being there so I am definitely not taking pictures to “savor the moment.” And if I am asleep, I am just asleep.)
