Time to get this show on the road

Hello people of the internet.  So I had a nightmare interaction the other day with my mom and sister. They probably would accuse me if they read this of not being super accurate to what actually happened (specifically my interpretation of their commentary) but this is what I think happened lol

Anyways, my mom and sister called and asked if I had a second for some thoughts they had that **might make me upset. I said it was fine even thought I was racing out the door. They then, in a loving way, said they had been talking about what it would look like for me to kick my life into high gear and make some sacrifices to help kick start certain elements of my life. My mom’s wording was a little rowdy and I think I felt a little criticized like I wasn’t already working hard to pull things together. But nevertheless, we persevere.  The main suggestion they were making… well I was pretty immediately closed off and didn’t really entertain it or hear them out. And in the midst of me feeling tense and my mom being slightly clumsy with her words, I was reaching for something and my shirt slipped entirely open and I flashed my mom. Which she immediately laughs and comments on. So I panic cry and hang up. Terrible. Embarrassing. And vulnerable.  

I had a follow up conversation with my sister today and she provided some feedback. (not about my life) I think she is right, and I can be pretty stubborn and sometimes act like I need to “forge my own path” making me very closed off to suggestions from loved ones who know me well. Obviously I don’t need to do something just because someone else thinks I should… But I am not very good at the hearing them out part. #mybad

I have been thinking about this whole thing and the general sentiment of kick starting my life and giving myself a little nudge. I think in the arts there’s this dangling carrot that something could come together at any second. Which is true. But it is very exhausting to be shouldering the pressures of working super hard to just pay bills and live life while also taking on every opportunity and thinking “maybe THIS will be my lucky break.” I have done a lot of that, and so many things turn out to be unfruitful or fall apart and it is so frustrating when you engage every opportunity trying to scrap together a resume and a career or whatever and it just keeps not happening in a sustainable way. I don’t even know if that makes sense or I worded that right, but this is just word vomit thoughts so I know know that it matters. ANYWAYS…. so I just think I can be defensive and that while thats a separate conversation, I have been really thinking, what does it mean to make a hard sacrifice. Just make a decision and not knowing and waiting to see if it’s the right one before committing to that. I think you never know if it will be good until its already happened. I need to just moving forward and not let myself be stagnant. What does that mean to be bold, within my own life and within my own set of circumstances, to make a decision I wouldn’t normally think of or consider and just see where it takes me.

August was terrible. It was really hard back to back things of real life shit. Not just irritating things, but life being messy. But it really does make me think, why am I here and what decisions am I making and why? Do I stand by them? Also what habits and routines have I fallen into and why? My friend said to me the other day, she wants to be intentional and just spend more time with the people she loves in a casual way where its just integrated into her routine. And this feels important to me. I want to love big and love bold and commit to life, knowing I might not be making the right decision but I am doing something and integrating my healthy habits into my life to make sure I am living the life I want to live. I think I sometimes am too concerned with being a good girl and making my mom proud. I think this is some deep religious trauma. But , I think and meditate on everything. And thats not all bad, but I don’t think it is serving me well. And I think I want to do better and be better. I want to be more strategic and care less but love more. I am not quite sure how to do that, but I am thinking a lot about not following the rules anymore. And it feels a little exciting. I might start by just applying for school. Instead of figuring out a better work situation first and seeing if it works out but just committing and doing the hard things and trusting I will figure it out later.

Also…. No pictures right now! It take forever for them to upload and I have shit to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And schools and credit cards to apply to!!!